Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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