Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
