How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
