he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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