Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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