i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize