Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
