Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
