nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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