He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
