Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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