I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The air was thick with penises
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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