Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
