Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
