when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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