Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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