You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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