dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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