if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
