I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
