Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
