I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
did i walk over a car last night?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
