does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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