Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
