I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
