Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
