I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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