just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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