my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize