I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
