Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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