i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
