I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
