Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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