He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
