I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
