I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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