dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
