Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
