I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
