nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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