Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
