My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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