she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
