I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize