Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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