Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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