Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
