she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
