i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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