Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
