And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
