If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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